I'm writing to you know because I've finally finished all my lab work. All that's left for me to do now is to complete my thesis.....which is another obstacle for me....it's something new, with plenty of rules & regulations to follow....and I'm a person that's suffers a lot when it comes to obeying these terms.
I spent almost 1 month, no wait....actually, I did spent more than a month in the uni's lab...
The experience of conducting a research, sure did tire me, spiritually, mentally, and physically. Not to mention with the event of my grandpa's passing, and my lacking self who's trying to make do with everything I have, that I know, and to pick up new things along the way.
I feel, although it's not fair a condition when I compare myself to other research students, but, I must admit, I did learn a lot of things throughout....up to this day. I learnt how to endure teachings from a super superior, to respect and develop patience, and at the same time, tries to absorb the knowledge that were harshly "fed" to me. Some how, the hungry dog has to fill its stomach to run the next day, right? It's just like me. Dirt or not, I'm not letting go of anything if my mind manage to understand the meaning behind the words. I hope I didn't left out anything. My memory is seriously failing me big time.
Since so, I'll only report what I can...manage to remember.
I remember meeting supervisor for some routine "counselling". Tho it wasn't pleasant, but it's better than not receiving any. Honestly, I still fear her. (That's only natural because I've an empty head....which will only ring echos when "knocked".)
I tried to make myself comfortable with her. I thought, maybe I've irritate her, so whenever I sms her to ask for a meeting, I should insert a smiley. I mean, I personally feel that, when I receive a smiley, I feel happy. Even the slightest second of happy means a lot to me. Ok, fine. Maybe I'm guilty, but I'm trying.....
So, somehow, I don't know how, but after digestion of those words from my supervisor, I think, she's training us to run a different way. I think it's her strategy. As I watched the research students started with their lab work, I'm still busy being screwed to do my homework because I, I think....asked for this...indirectly, since I'm not so gifted in researching, I know I have to do a lot of things. Honestly, if you were to ask me if I'm a great student, my answer will be "no". I'm only good when I do tons of work. But, this work I'm doing right now....is of a heart of a zombie. Ok, maybe not zombie....since I'm not as determine as a zombie thirsting for flesh, but the idea is that I'm doing it without the heart. I know it's so wrong. I'm really wrong to begin with. But, I'm gonna complete this somehow. And, I promise when I'm done, I'm not going to look at this again path again. But, I'm going to remember it for as long as I can.
My lab work, I had to find the materials, high & low, running north, south, east, west to gather everything I need. And I remember how worried I was if I fail to get my hands on kombucha colonies. The worries at night, which I had....even made me hiatus in my other blog for weeks....leading to months~ I can't sleep. I get insomnia. Then I got tired in class. Can't concentrate. It's like research is all I ever think about, sleep about, walk about, eat about, drink about.... I remember telling Ms Snow how worried I was if I can't complete this subject. I really wanna get thru and done with this. I don't want to repeat this. I think she heard me out 3-4times, a month, everytime we dinner together. But what can she do but ears? ....that's the best I can get.....nobody can help me but me.
Getting the materials was really something tough. Luckily, my partner has connections. And that's when I realized how important connections were. I remember telling my supervisor something like this, "...I don't really care about other people's business...". Which got me thinking, is this why my supervisor suggested a partner for me? To come up with something great of a research, beneficial to man-kind, but I know my measurements. I'm not of a big head hence I don't deserve such a big hat. All I need is something just enough to cover my head from rain or shine....and yet I did use to complain being a mediocre....what do I really want?
Looking at how my partner deal with the connections to get the materials, I learnt something. ^^
Next, was to start our research after getting the urine samples from a laboratory at Seksyen 19...Again, I learnt that the first step is something so difficult to do but easy said. I think, for my condition, the first step has always been difficult. Since a year ago, I lost my soul in whatever to do with my studies, yet I still did try...just to make sure I don't repeat the paper because my cgpa is gonna cost me money if I screw up slightest, that's something I can't afford. I need to hurry graduate, get a job, and start doing something for my family's condition. My bro has a operation due soon after he graduates, and that's gonna cost some amount. I'm thinking of working somewhere out of Malaysia, to earn a bigger currency to be mailed home, while I can enjoy my life at the foreign country itself. No one will know who, where, how, when I came from. A nobody who'll be a shadow to help another in need.
And when lab work started, I admit, I have problems working in a team. I think I'm so used to living on my own, the way I usually do, thus, I don't know how to share. I keep my thoughts to myself, and.....maybe you, my blog, but rarely to any other homo sapiens. So, I got some sounding from my partner, telling me how I should work in a team. Frankly speaking, that's the first time I'm being sounded from someone about the same age as me...I was shocked. I was so lacking.
And when I learn to be a good partner, I, again, developed tolerance and patience. Maybe it's because I've no choice, but I think it's something good to have because it builds a kind of character to me. I noticed my behavior was more "low frequency" than I used to be. I think, I used to be kind of hyper and "jumpy" around but now, I feel more "earthly"...."grounded to the ground".... LOL! I don't even know what I'm trying to say~
And I learnt how to isolate bacteria from the urine sample, onto MacConkey agar, from Mr Lab Officer. Learnt how to subculture as well. Learnt how to determine if the bacteria is a gram negative or gram positive by performing the 5 biochemical test alongside with microscopic examination after staining it with Giemsa. How to make sure the lamina flow is sterilized before performing any tasks in it. Learnt that E.coli cultures can be easily contaminated by phage infection if the environment and instruments aren't well sterilized. Learnt K.pneumoniae does not necessary affects the lungs, but in urine as well. And Strep spp. was obtained from the uni lab....which my supervisor strongly objected, but I've no choice.
Another honest thing I must confess here, is that everytime she says, "...I know you all are just doing this for the sake of doing it....", it makes me feel extremely guilty. I also do hope I can have my heart back, to do things, but I realize, the heart only awakens in the presence of pictures, colors, and fantasy. Am I a lazy person? ....maybe I am, when I'm doing my research, because of the lack of interest, and the lack of self in knowledge, and the lack of heart to do....but when I'm holding the pencil, I start sketching, I feel so alive....to the point, I won't sleep until I'm satisfied with what I've produced. Although mom and dad didn't give me attend art classes, which I did hope they've given, I tried to draw despite countless times my mom criticized my drawings! ...I knew her motives were to discourage me from doing so....she don't want me to end up being a pauper artist. So, I've the heart to draw but I'm not skilled enough.
....looks like I've gone off-road topic,.....shall continue, right after lamina flow and bacteria, and not to mention, I think I will remember this MY WHOLE LIFE, that plural bacteria is still read/written as "bacteria", and NOT "bacterias"! ....just see how pathetic my vocab in the field I am, and I always get mixed up with the terms...."swab disc method" should be used as "disc diffusion method"~ Again....humiliation....but, I won't take it too hard, nor will I take it lightly. I can promise, that I will remember those, and maybe, someday, laugh off my stupidity.
And things throughout the lab work keeps getting systematic as days passed. I remember my partner and I started off at the wrong foot a little, and we had clashing of the way we work. But once we write it down in the log book, of the things we're gonna do tomorrow and days to come, everything seems to go efficiently, without wasting a single minute, and no more skipping classes for my partner.
My partner, I think, she's a warm person. Maybe a little too warm for me, and I can't believe there is such a living person. Maybe, I'm living in my own world too often that I didn't mix around much, thus, I'm not exposed to such beings. Again, it's all my fault. I just don't know why its so hard for me to blend-in.....and, I learnt something.....When you're still young, primary school, you mix around with everyone...to play. But when you've entered secondary school, lower education and higher education, subjects requires one to work alone....meaning, don't have to rely on anyone except yourself. But, this research gave me the experience of being in a work place with a colleague. Which made me had to think for the "company" we're working for, in order to get "paid"~ .....but I think I still need some time to get use to this......
And when there's trouble, we had both of us to solve it. Which is good. I think that, to make things work, 1 has to stay calm when the other worries. I've to admit, my partner took the first step, dragged me along, but I made sure the boat continues it journeys even after rough waters. My partner nearly gave up on me, again.....by telling me she wants to drop out from this research, RIGHT ON THE DAY I'm having MD2 Mid-Sems examination, which was a HUGE SLAP on my face! .....I wish I was more professional to handle this.....if I were a little more brighter than the me now, then I wouldn't need to rely on her.....unconsciously, I felt the absence of her presence when she said that. Which means, I've grown "attached" to her as my partner....which I shouldn't have.
Even when my supervisor directed all her "golden words" to my partner, as I sat right beside my partner, I felt the tremor. It felt like I got full blast too....but, actually, I did.....and I trembled. I know this might sound stupid, but every time I meet with my supervisor, my hand turns cold, and when I speak to her, I automatically lost of words. The things I wanna say just couldn't come out the way I pictured it in my mind, before meeting her. I'm so useless.
And now, everything that has to be done in the lab, is done. Now, it's time to write it down black & white, and the words I keep hearing in my head, "....just finish the thesis and hand in to me. If you give me rubbish work, you'll see what happens...". I guess, my worry days ain't over. A new set of things to worry about is my Internship application. And now with my thesis, I wish I can do something to impress her. I really want. But, I don't know how to. Should I or Should I not ask? I'm scared if she's sick of dealing with this stupidity that she'll ignore me. If so, at that time, I'm as good as dead horse. Where will I go in life? I just need to make sure I don't fail, don't repeat the subject. That's all I'm asking for. If possible, a close to truth evaluation on my work I've done throughout the last sem in uni.
Ms snow did lend me ears, and some of her thoughts....Mr pat did send over his example of how thesis should look like to me, for reference....and I remember how Mr dan thought me how a journal look like. LOL!!! ....I'm seriously clueless.....but if there's someone who's willingly to teach, I'm willing to learn. Although, I think self-learning is still the best but a sudden shift to that method did distort with my entire working system.
However, I think, now, I know a little more or less on how to self-learn. Which, I think, my supervisor is someone great. She did, in a way, fulfill what I wanted....that is I wanted someone to make me work. Eventually, she did, in her own way. Thank you, Dr. =)
It's late already, I'll say good night for now.
When I think it's time to write again, I'll be sure to post something.
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