This is great. This first thing I did once I'm done with this sem is to fall sick.
Grandma passed away on the day I ended My Finals. I just don't know.

I will start My First Step into Thesis World tomorrow!

I MUST!

...still surviving....barely, but still sailing....

Looking...reading my past entries, I realized I've journeyed so far....

I'm writing to you know because I've finally finished all my lab work. All that's left for me to do now is to complete my thesis.....which is another obstacle for me....it's something new, with plenty of rules & regulations to follow....and I'm a person that's suffers a lot when it comes to obeying these terms.

I spent almost 1 month, no wait....actually, I did spent more than a month in the uni's lab...

The experience of conducting a research, sure did tire me, spiritually, mentally, and physically. Not to mention with the event of my grandpa's passing, and my lacking self who's trying to make do with everything I have, that I know, and to pick up new things along the way.

I feel, although it's not fair a condition when I compare myself to other research students, but, I must admit, I did learn a lot of things throughout....up to this day. I learnt how to endure teachings from a super superior, to respect and develop patience, and at the same time, tries to absorb the knowledge that were harshly "fed" to me. Some how, the hungry dog has to fill its stomach to run the next day, right? It's just like me. Dirt or not, I'm not letting go of anything if my mind manage to understand the meaning behind the words. I hope I didn't left out anything. My memory is seriously failing me big time.

Since so, I'll only report what I can...manage to remember.

I remember meeting supervisor for some routine "counselling". Tho it wasn't pleasant, but it's better than not receiving any. Honestly, I still fear her. (That's only natural because I've an empty head....which will only ring echos when "knocked".)

I tried to make myself comfortable with her. I thought, maybe I've irritate her, so whenever I sms her to ask for a meeting, I should insert a smiley. I mean, I personally feel that, when I receive a smiley, I feel happy. Even the slightest second of happy means a lot to me. Ok, fine. Maybe I'm guilty, but I'm trying.....

So, somehow, I don't know how, but after digestion of those words from my supervisor, I think, she's training us to run a different way. I think it's her strategy. As I watched the research students started with their lab work, I'm still busy being screwed to do my homework because I, I think....asked for this...indirectly, since I'm not so gifted in researching, I know I have to do a lot of things. Honestly, if you were to ask me if I'm a great student, my answer will be "no". I'm only good when I do tons of work. But, this work I'm doing right now....is of a heart of a zombie. Ok, maybe not zombie....since I'm not as determine as a zombie thirsting for flesh, but the idea is that I'm doing it without the heart. I know it's so wrong. I'm really wrong to begin with. But, I'm gonna complete this somehow. And, I promise when I'm done, I'm not going to look at this again path again. But, I'm going to remember it for as long as I can.

My lab work, I had to find the materials, high & low, running north, south, east, west to gather everything I need. And I remember how worried I was if I fail to get my hands on kombucha colonies. The worries at night, which I had....even made me hiatus in my other blog for weeks....leading to months~ I can't sleep. I get insomnia. Then I got tired in class. Can't concentrate. It's like research is all I ever think about, sleep about, walk about, eat about, drink about.... I remember telling Ms Snow how worried I was if I can't complete this subject. I really wanna get thru and done with this. I don't want to repeat this. I think she heard me out 3-4times, a month, everytime we dinner together. But what can she do but ears? ....that's the best I can get.....nobody can help me but me.

Getting the materials was really something tough. Luckily, my partner has connections. And that's when I realized how important connections were. I remember telling my supervisor something like this, "...I don't really care about other people's business...". Which got me thinking, is this why my supervisor suggested a partner for me? To come up with something great of a research, beneficial to man-kind, but I know my measurements. I'm not of a big head hence I don't deserve such a big hat. All I need is something just enough to cover my head from rain or shine....and yet I did use to complain being a mediocre....what do I really want?

Looking at how my partner deal with the connections to get the materials, I learnt something. ^^

Next, was to start our research after getting the urine samples from a laboratory at Seksyen 19...Again, I learnt that the first step is something so difficult to do but easy said. I think, for my condition, the first step has always been difficult. Since a year ago, I lost my soul in whatever to do with my studies, yet I still did try...just to make sure I don't repeat the paper because my cgpa is gonna cost me money if I screw up slightest, that's something I can't afford. I need to hurry graduate, get a job, and start doing something for my family's condition. My bro has a operation due soon after he graduates, and that's gonna cost some amount. I'm thinking of working somewhere out of Malaysia, to earn a bigger currency to be mailed home, while I can enjoy my life at the foreign country itself. No one will know who, where, how, when I came from. A nobody who'll be a shadow to help another in need.

And when lab work started, I admit, I have problems working in a team. I think I'm so used to living on my own, the way I usually do, thus, I don't know how to share. I keep my thoughts to myself, and.....maybe you, my blog, but rarely to any other homo sapiens. So, I got some sounding from my partner, telling me how I should work in a team. Frankly speaking, that's the first time I'm being sounded from someone about the same age as me...I was shocked. I was so lacking.

And when I learn to be a good partner, I, again, developed tolerance and patience. Maybe it's because I've no choice, but I think it's something good to have because it builds a kind of character to me. I noticed my behavior was more "low frequency" than I used to be. I think, I used to be kind of hyper and "jumpy" around but now, I feel more "earthly"...."grounded to the ground".... LOL! I don't even know what I'm trying to say~

And I learnt how to isolate bacteria from the urine sample, onto MacConkey agar, from Mr Lab Officer. Learnt how to subculture as well. Learnt how to determine if the bacteria is a gram negative or gram positive by performing the 5 biochemical test alongside with microscopic examination after staining it with Giemsa. How to make sure the lamina flow is sterilized before performing any tasks in it. Learnt that E.coli cultures can be easily contaminated by phage infection if the environment and instruments aren't well sterilized. Learnt K.pneumoniae does not necessary affects the lungs, but in urine as well. And Strep spp. was obtained from the uni lab....which my supervisor strongly objected, but I've no choice.

Another honest thing I must confess here, is that everytime she says, "...I know you all are just doing this for the sake of doing it....", it makes me feel extremely guilty. I also do hope I can have my heart back, to do things, but I realize, the heart only awakens in the presence of pictures, colors, and fantasy. Am I a lazy person? ....maybe I am, when I'm doing my research, because of the lack of interest, and the lack of self in knowledge, and the lack of heart to do....but when I'm holding the pencil, I start sketching, I feel so alive....to the point, I won't sleep until I'm satisfied with what I've produced. Although mom and dad didn't give me attend art classes, which I did hope they've given, I tried to draw despite countless times my mom criticized my drawings! ...I knew her motives were to discourage me from doing so....she don't want me to end up being a pauper artist. So, I've the heart to draw but I'm not skilled enough.

....looks like I've gone off-road topic,.....shall continue, right after lamina flow and bacteria, and not to mention, I think I will remember this MY WHOLE LIFE, that plural bacteria is still read/written as "bacteria", and NOT "bacterias"! ....just see how pathetic my vocab in the field I am, and I always get mixed up with the terms...."swab disc method" should be used as "disc diffusion method"~ Again....humiliation....but, I won't take it too hard, nor will I take it lightly. I can promise, that I will remember those, and maybe, someday, laugh off my stupidity.

And things throughout the lab work keeps getting systematic as days passed. I remember my partner and I started off at the wrong foot a little, and we had clashing of the way we work. But once we write it down in the log book, of the things we're gonna do tomorrow and days to come, everything seems to go efficiently, without wasting a single minute, and no more skipping classes for my partner.

My partner, I think, she's a warm person. Maybe a little too warm for me, and I can't believe there is such a living person. Maybe, I'm living in my own world too often that I didn't mix around much, thus, I'm not exposed to such beings. Again, it's all my fault. I just don't know why its so hard for me to blend-in.....and, I learnt something.....When you're still young, primary school, you mix around with everyone...to play. But when you've entered secondary school, lower education and higher education, subjects requires one to work alone....meaning, don't have to rely on anyone except yourself. But, this research gave me the experience of being in a work place with a colleague. Which made me had to think for the "company" we're working for, in order to get "paid"~ .....but I think I still need some time to get use to this......

And when there's trouble, we had both of us to solve it. Which is good. I think that, to make things work, 1 has to stay calm when the other worries. I've to admit, my partner took the first step, dragged me along, but I made sure the boat continues it journeys even after rough waters. My partner nearly gave up on me, again.....by telling me she wants to drop out from this research, RIGHT ON THE DAY I'm having MD2 Mid-Sems examination, which was a HUGE SLAP on my face! .....I wish I was more professional to handle this.....if I were a little more brighter than the me now, then I wouldn't need to rely on her.....unconsciously, I felt the absence of her presence when she said that. Which means, I've grown "attached" to her as my partner....which I shouldn't have.

Even when my supervisor directed all her "golden words" to my partner, as I sat right beside my partner, I felt the tremor. It felt like I got full blast too....but, actually, I did.....and I trembled. I know this might sound stupid, but every time I meet with my supervisor, my hand turns cold, and when I speak to her, I automatically lost of words. The things I wanna say just couldn't come out the way I pictured it in my mind, before meeting her. I'm so useless.

And now, everything that has to be done in the lab, is done. Now, it's time to write it down black & white, and the words I keep hearing in my head, "....just finish the thesis and hand in to me. If you give me rubbish work, you'll see what happens...". I guess, my worry days ain't over. A new set of things to worry about is my Internship application. And now with my thesis, I wish I can do something to impress her. I really want. But, I don't know how to. Should I or Should I not ask? I'm scared if she's sick of dealing with this stupidity that she'll ignore me. If so, at that time, I'm as good as dead horse. Where will I go in life? I just need to make sure I don't fail, don't repeat the subject. That's all I'm asking for. If possible, a close to truth evaluation on my work I've done throughout the last sem in uni.

Ms snow did lend me ears, and some of her thoughts....Mr pat did send over his example of how thesis should look like to me, for reference....and I remember how Mr dan thought me how a journal look like. LOL!!! ....I'm seriously clueless.....but if there's someone who's willingly to teach, I'm willing to learn. Although, I think self-learning is still the best but a sudden shift to that method did distort with my entire working system.

However, I think, now, I know a little more or less on how to self-learn. Which, I think, my supervisor is someone great. She did, in a way, fulfill what I wanted....that is I wanted someone to make me work. Eventually, she did, in her own way. Thank you, Dr. =)

It's late already, I'll say good night for now.

When I think it's time to write again, I'll be sure to post something.

..my first step~

Hie!

At last....I started something after all the golden words My Supervisor gave us...

Yeap, it's "Us" because I've got a partner to walk this journey with me.... *grateful*

I may look tough, but, truth is, I'm not.... and the day My Partner (then, not My Partner yet) told Me our Supervisor told us to work together to come up with something, I was slightly surprised!

Then, I began to digest the feeling, and at first, I felt "harh? I've to give up My Kombucha and work something new with Ms Deep?....I don't want...."

Ended up, although a lot of uncertainties, to and fro, Ms Deep nearly abandoned Me and wanted to do Dry Lab, and I managed to get her back. =)

What I've learnt?

To get something you want, you need to make the move first! ...don't wait and wait and wait and hesitate, else, nothing will happen...nothing progress, nothing ventured, nothing gained. ^0^

And yes, our Supervisor finally made us work from scratch. Knowing I don't have a clue what research was about....to add, I don't really know how to read face expression, I was being kinda foolish. And everytime after a period of "Loud Golden Words" from My Supervisor, I went home, and started thinking....started digesting, what she was trying to tell Me....and I started to realize how pathetic I was in her eyes.

Putting Me in her shoes, her vision, her eyes.....I think, to have such a student, at such age, still not knowing what she(Me) wants, it's kind of a failure. Putting Me in her shoes, her vision, her eyes...and I saw how her (I) was an eye sore, and detrimental to health if I were to overwork Myself at the age I am. Even for Me, I would even have the thought, "Why do I have to teach her? She's(Me) not even worth My Teachings because she(Me) doesn't even know what she wants in life!" .....and to add, I was afraid of her. Trying to understand why I feared her, I felt like, I was afraid of Myself being an Empty Head facing someone whose Knowledge is as Vast as I could ever imagine! It's like telling how The Head Chef should cook when I'm just a Dish Boy.

And from the way My Supervisor tried to tell Me, how disappointed she was, I felt so bad for her.....but somehow, I believe it's fate. I was at lost. I was confused. I didn't know what I want. I didn't have a sense of direction in Life. And all the excuses I gave Myself, that I'll do better if I weren't in this field.....it's just excuses. If I can't do this here and now, what makes you (Me) think I can do better if I were in another field? ...I guess I've a serious attitude problem and a very bad self-discipline. Sometimes, I even think the person dying in the hospital was 100X useful compared to Me, healthy walking round yet doing nothing, while the one lying on the bed wishes SO MUCH to have a longer life because they have so much things yet to achieve!

And for this, I even feel like a dirt beside My Bro who's suffering from Ventricular Septal Defect cuz he told Me how he wanted to live longer, learn as much as he can, buy house, buy car, buy shoplot and rent it out to his fren-a chef become partners, and then go holiday..... you see the difference between My bro and I? And he tells Me he's scared he'll not be able to live that long. *aches* I wish I could just donate My Heart to him....at least I know My Heart will be going for a good cause.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's not talk about this, ...now, back to My Research. My Partner, Ms Deep, she's very interested and showed great interest in My Research more than I do~ Which makes Me feel even more useless than I already am. Why didn't I have self-confidence? Why did I have to care what people have to say and take them so seriously? Why?!!!

And one day, the other girl, Ms Gay, suddenly approached Ms Deep to tell her, us, that she wants to join our research because hers was rejected by our supervisor. I remember clearly, I did ask her, "How you know she rejected yours? Did she said so to you?" and Ms Gay replied, "I can't get My Acne bacteria and it'll take very long for IMR to give me the samples...and Dr asked me a lot of questions..I think I just join you guys la~" ....honestly, I was okay with it~ But My Partner, Ms Deep, wasn't....

After I reached home, I begin to digest again....

"The research I'm doing is actually a small research....which in fact, can be done solo, but I was weak....I needed a partner to strengthen me....how did Dr. notice this point of me? Was I too obvious?" ....Ms Gay didn't need to join us....she can just carry on her research but just alter her bacteria sample, that's all.... if she really wants to, she can do her Honey & Vit. E combination antimicrob and compare her results with ours, kombucha, to strengthen her thesis? She needn't necessary to join us...I think? O.O

So, Thursday last week, we 3 met up.....discussed about our research.

Ms Gay was a lot of help, she helped us clear our doubts. *tsk* imagine how pathetic I am even after having a partner?! =.=

But, all that was last week.... and this week, last Monday, we met our supervisor, and Ms Gay told Dr. her intentions to join us, and she had "The Words" from Dr. Everybody has a reason, but if it's reasonable enough, it depends.... and honestly, I was suppose to meet up with My Supervisor last week, but I didn't.... My Grandpa passed away, and I hadn't time to search for scientific articles.... I was guilty, and I tried to attend MD 2 when I've the free time~

Seriously, I have never did this, ever, in My Life! ....right after grandpa's prayers session, ended about 1.30pm, and My Family and I had lunch at 2.30pm, reached home 3.30pm, I was still hesitating to whether I should go for MD2's class at 4pm (I've already sms-ed Ms Anne I was gonna missed that day's class during to grandpa's funeral procession....), somehow I felt I need to go eventhough My Body was crying-tired. I didn't think I would have did that if I was the "me" a year ago~

Something changed? ....I was brought out from the small box, and placed out in the desert....trying to survive.....

Sorry, I deviated from what I was suppose to say.....so, my research required "Mother" culture of SCOBY (Symbiotic Culture of Bacteria & Yeast) to ferment sugar, reducing sucrose to fructose and glucose, while "by product" acetic acid is being produced which have bactericidal effects! Along with the Tea I'm gonna use, Pu Erh tea, a fermented Black Tea, which contains components Polyphenols, Catechins, tannins etc which also kills bacteria but in a min. degree will be strengthen with the presence of the lemongrass I'm about to add in my kombucha! ^0^ Lemongrass is long known to have antibacterial effects due to active ingredients such as citral, geranial, mycrene, linalool etc.....all of the components disrupts cell membrane of the bacteria, DNA/RNA synthesis, and cytoplasm composition lead to "cell death"~

Honestly, the more I read those scientific articles, which our supervisor made us read them, the more I understand what I was doing....at least, a lil more than Day 1....(I remember using the term "enzyme" for the thing called "kombucha"~ can you imagine how badly I should have screwed during RP1?! *guilty-shamed-regret* )

I still got "The Golden Words" session from her...weekly, but I think it's okay. At least I can see Myself moving somewhere....although I'm not one of the bright student of hers, but I can see Myself moving forward! Not to mention, Ms Deep was pushing Me forward too! ^0^

There were a lot of obstacles I had to go thru....finding kombucha was a TOTAL HEADACHE! Because, it's not something licensed and easily available in the market and it can be made at home itself! ....somehow, I tried asking Mr Yusuf, our lab coordinator, to get the materials I needed, including kombucha's "mother" culture...and he gave Me Mr John's contact number and asked Me to contact him straight for further details~ LOL! ....I was worried, and I still am..... "What am I gonna do if kombucha is the only thing I can't get?" Then, I would've been forced to abandon My Research.....and start from scratch again.... will I survive? (I think will have to, if that's what happened to Me.......) will I grad along with others of My Batch?

Truthfully, I will understand if I weren't an "A" student for My Supervisor, for Myself....I know My Standard, but nevertheless, I will try to make things work for Me, somehow.....at least, even if I were to get a "C", I know that's truly how much My Effort worth....but it's not fair compared to those who worked "lightly" and got an "A" when I worked the same amount of energy as them! (...I guess I will never know how they actually did in their research also....I shan't complain... it's always My Fault to begin with) Nothing happens for nothing. Everything happens for a reason.... I should've expected such endings to Me....

And time to time, I keep thinking about Dr's "Golden Words", a suggestion to pursue a Master in Business Adminstration~ It sounds reasonable since I didn't have enough interest to be a Researcher~ But I also had My Plans to travel out from Malaysia and see the world, write blogs about the people I will meet everyday, and help them out if I can. I even thought of joining "Doctors without Borders"...I wouldn't mind if My Job was something miscellaneous because I know, I will learn something from watching how others work. I admit, I'ma slow learner. My 3rd option was to go take up Nursing after this course! ...I want to stay in the hospital....somehow, I don't know why, but I like being in the hospital~ O.o, I'm crazy?

I guess, that's all I've to say about this....

On the Left: This is the thing, kombucha, from scratch! .....a recipe given to Me by Mr John, the uni's supplier~

On the Right: My Younger Bro's "garbage enzyme" project, which I was suppose to embark, if it not were for Me and My Hesitation and it's fermentation period of 3months! ...I had to abandon it.

I wonder if Dr. will let Me test antimicrob for the "garbage enzyme" My Bro made???

...I suddenly have the urge to test it~ =S

p/s: ..the pressure of being the one who's doing science field among My Cousins....most of them are in Business & Accounting field...non-science field. I escaped from being a "peer pressure" in the category of Non-science path, but it's not an easy road being in Science path.... unlike Ms Xue Er...who has cousins, elder cousins, working as doctors....2-4 of them~

...when can I truly be happy?

I can't sleep.

I'm worrying about something.

I know. I tell you I don't care if I don't hit "high notes" in future, but the problem now is that I can't even start to "voice out".

I need a kick start. I need something.

Every night, I keep the list of things running through My Head.

From what I see, I can't see any mistakes. But, I know I need a proof reading.

Some one of authority and experience to tell Me it's good to go...sincerely tell me so.

I've got her half-hearted signature. I, now, need to get approval from H.O.D.

Not knowing how to, so I asked a friend of mine who's already embark on her journey.

....and she told Me her supervisor got it for her.

Dear you, I'm feeling so lost.

Why do I have to do all this by Myself, and with only Myself to tell Myself, "yeah, you're on the right track. Do it."

Funnily, I can Myself....but, I'm not doing what Myself is asking Me to do.

Fact is, I don't even trust My Abilities in doing something so new to Me....So, what do you expect My "Conscious" Self to decide on?

Dear you, I'm always lacking.

Lacking of this, lacking of that.

No matter how hard I try to show, to withstand, but truth is, You and I know very well, what I'm made of.

Telling Myself I'm not made for this.....is depressing.

I'm already half way there and still I'm feeling lost.

Why is this happening to Me?

Looking at Myself, I can only tell Myself to hang in there.

But we all know, there is no ending to this.

Why am I the one who's always being ignored by the ones I need recognition most?

why?

...why?

......why?

.........why?

I just wish I can leave everything now and take My "early" leave.

It's not that I choose the easy way out, but I'm tired of doing this all by Myself....without guidance.

My reason for choosing her: I needed someone to make Me work/get working.

Her Actions: If I don't lend a hand, you'll HAVE TO Work it out yourself = you're working out, just as you wished for.

Feedback: I hate it this way.

MY BLACK DAY GIFT.....frm Dr. Supervisor~

I finally met My Supervisor..... for My Presentation, My Research Proposal......

Yea, I SURE DID RECEIVE A FEW "HITS" Here & There..... But, I think, My Skin was thick enough to absorb them momentum...... @.@

I was "exposed" to the plot behind their Superficial Smiles & Words........... Gestures of My Supervisor & Her "Underlings" (I'ma soon to be one???? O.O???)~

I got to know, now, My Supervisor, has....BIG, and I mean, REAL BIG HELL of a Research Intentions behind her back! Research worth of RM250K!!!!!

I was asked, indirectly, to choose......My Future:

1) Stable, Secured Job = Working under her, as a paid Research Assistant, and a reason/title for My Masters? .......like a readied, paved walk, down doing My Masters (just as My Mom had wished I would do......)

2) Rebel! = Rebel her, I will have to find another supervisor......Rebel My Mom, I will be able to Travel & Work at the same time! .............more FREEDOM, financially just enough to feed & cloth Myself! KOREA!!!!!!!! SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHICH TO CHOOSE FROM?????!

*CONFLICT*

DAMN! DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm DAMNED!!!!!!!!!!

DOOM

S.O.S. Report!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was suppose to message doctor to get meet up with her, as promised with My Colleague, 4 days ago....but I didn't, up until yesterday, 10th April, I sms doctor. Honestly, I didn't expect for doctor to reply my sms since after My Colleague had sms, doctor didn't reply her. So, simply and randomly, I typed an sms and clicked "send".

On the 10th April, almost 3 hours after I'd sent that sms, I RECEIVED A REPLY!

The doctor asked if I had class tomorrow, which is Monday, 11th April, and I replied her that I'm free. And I asked where and when I should meet her? However, she replied me by asking for when I'm gonna have classes......and so, I sms her my timetable and said my thanks for her time.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?????

NOW, 11th April, 8.50am, I RECEIVED another sms from her ASKING FOR MY CGPA!!!!!!!!!!!!
=S ..................Frankly speaking, I'm REALLY EMBARRASSED for having such cgpa!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I may have the digits, but it's just MERE DIGITS without SUBSTANTIAL CONTENTS SUPPORT!!!!!

Finally, she replied me again after I've sms her my cgpa results, saying that she would like me to PRESENT MY RESEARCH TOPIC TO HER, TOMORROW (12th April), 10am, and to meet her at the staffroom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I already had AN INSOMNIA NIGHT because I knew, after I've sent the sms to ask for a meeting, I had to had My Lab Request Form FILLED! .................yesterday, I started filling up My Lab Request Form and seriously, IT WAS A HEADACHE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've to count and estimate the materials I'm going to use, methods etc!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

TT.TT

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My LAST MINUTE ARRANGED PRESENTATION is KILLING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Which ALSO MEANS, today, I've to prepare Myself, READ UP A to Z, inside out and present My Research Proposal like I'm The MASTER of My Research!

Oh, GOD! PLEASE HELP ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I guess tonight will be another Sleepless, Worried Night!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm going to uni later, around 11am, to verify my materials with lab personnels......and then, when I'm back home, I think I should get some sleep and start preparing myself by tonight!

TT.TT

..........at times like this, I wish I had someone beside for me to seek refuge...............

T.T

What a harsh world this is for Me.......What a LIFE I'm having now.............

I HATE PRESENTATIONS. I hate FORMAL presentations. I hate formal presentations with someone of THAT SUPERIOR to me.........because the fact of her cert is already like a threat to me.

But most important of all, I hate myself for being SO INCOMPETENT!!!!!!!!!

I watched SAW 2004, yesterday, and the Mastermind behind the chain series of serial murder cases was like a PSYCHOPATH Teacher to those Victims! .......teaching his victims to VALUE THEIR LIFE in a VERY SCARY WAY, to appreciate Life. For Me, I think my life is already like SAW. But, if I were to choose between a SAW-like teacher and The Doctor, I better admit I'm thankful I had The Doctor instead of SAW-like teacher!

..............but still, WHY WHY WHY on EARTH I put her name down in THAT FORM????

I had, in a way, "request" this upon myself................none to blame, except..........me, myself.